Who are you?

A certain “Chris DiDonna” left this ambiguous and rather demanding comment:
Who are you?
Well, in answer to your question, “Chris DiDonna,” I am originally from the-place-that-shall-not-be-named, but I moved when I was the-age-that-shall-not-be-named to the other place-that-shall-not-be-named. My mother is the-woman-that-shall-not-be-named, and my dad is the-man-that-shall-not-be-named. I currently live in the-country-that-shall-not-be-named, the-state-that-shall-not-be-named, the-city-that-shall-not-be-named, the-street-that-shall-not-be-named, the-house number-that-shall-not-be-named. I have one little brother, who-shall-not-be-named.
f you want a more interesting version of my life, keep reading.
I am approximately 590, I think I lost count when I hit 550. I lived on a river, but then I got kicked out, so I relocated to some caves. Never got around to marrying. Ah well, I had something much more important that a wife could ever have been, much more interesting. Actually, this thing ended up getting me killed. Oops. That must mean I’m dead. *poof*

How was that, “Chris DiDonna?”
Here’s another one.

I’m kind of stiff in the joints, seeing as I have been around for a long time. Actually, I don’t have any joints. I breathe fire, pretty cool…but man, do I go through chapstick fast. Well, I don’t really breathe…oh well. For years people have been whamming stuff with me. Takes a toll on the teeth, but all that fire has hardened them pretty well. I do have a cool nickname though…Hammer of the Underworld. Does it get any neater than that?

Ok, so we all know I can do better than that.
Here is my true identity.

What, do you think I’m actually going to tell you?! Are you nuts?
Of course I’m not going to tell you! Sheesh. Oh, and if you figured out who those people were…extra credit points for “Chris DiDonna.”
I have a question for you.
How many three toed penguins would it take to fill a puffs box?

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