Archive for*sigh*

The Resistance

Muse’s new album came out yesterday. Matt and Than and I went to David’s flat and listened to it on his super-good speakers. It was pretty good, though I wasn’t sure what to think at first. There was a lot of 80s type influence and an actual glam -pop song, which made me laugh a little. But now I’ve listened to it more today and I think I really like it. One thing I’ve always liked about Muse is their variety. Even within albums its hard to get bored. Well, they’ve just upped the ante, that’s all.

I’m feeling really rotten today. I’m making corn chowder cause we have corn that needs to be used up…but I’m feeling down, and it’s cold. When it hits about 65 my hands start to get cold and it just makes me really tetchy. I hate being cold.

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Ehh..

  I am so sick right now. I just want to curl up in a ball and die.

Yesterday I tossed and turned for nearly the entire night. Absolutely miserable. This morning, I could hardly move. I haven’t been this sick in a long time..sore throat, congested, and worst, aching all over. Thank God that Mom and I are spending this week reading poetry in coffee shops instead of doing regular school. We went to Panera and studied the LotR poetry today, reading it aloud to each other, and commenting on it. The annoying thing about this kind of sickness is that I feel absolutely awful particularly in the mornings and evenings. When I’m already lacking energy.

Missed my voice lesson, too. So..yeah. I am so miserable.

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Spam..

Sorry, everyone, I’m getting some very nasty spam these days. Please, if you see a name on the ‘recent comments’ bar that looks suspicious, don’t read the post. Also, don’t reply to the comments. I don’t know if it’ll make anything worse, but I just don’t think it’s a good idea. So please don’t. Thanks. I delete and unapprove them immediately when I see them, and I think that’s all I can do.

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Graduation.

Wow. Last night was amazing. And I was right…I cried the entire time. Rad was very sweet and didn’t say anything when I wiped my eyes on his sleeve repeatedly. It felt at first like I was leaving part of my life behind, but then a few things happened to change that.

Several of the seniors read speeches based on letters/words that formed the acronym “Growing Up.” When David mentioned Mrs. Filmore’s third grade cheerleaders, I realized that I really am blessed to be able to go to a small school like this, as much as I dislike it. You know it’s a special school when even the seniors know the third grade class.

Then they thanked all the teachers. Poor Mrs. Willink, she has to go through this every year! I don’t think she’d have it any other way, though. I can’t wait to have her as a homeroom teacher.

One thing that I love about the way our school does graduation is that the seniors each get a short slideshow, pictures of themselves and whoever else they want to include. I believe they choose the music for it. So we got to see our seniors growing up…when they got to John’s video, I was really nervous because I knew I’d completely lose it. It had such great pictures, of the legendary uncle that we’d heard so much about as kids, their grandparents, and several of a very young John in a little red bow tie. Then, I glanced up at the screen a little late for the next picture, and was shocked to find MYSELF up there. That was what made me really sob. He and his family did consider our family to be an important part of their lives. I looked over at Mrs. Willink, and she started giggling when she saw my face. I don’t know how she knew it was me…I must have been three or four in that picture. So all you who looked at that pic and wondered who the heck the little blonde girl was, that was me.
David and Cat sang a lovely duet…I’d never heard David sing so low, because he’s always forced into the higher tenor parts for G&S! Caitlin was nervous, but she did a good job.

Then we went through the line. It started with Jeff, who was happy that I hadn’t come in and shot everyone yet. Since seventh grade, he’s been certain that I’m going to come in with a gun…I’m going to miss him. Then I moved to Cat and Amanda…then I skipped up to Zack. He grabbed me by the shoulders, opened his mouth to speak, but I beat him to it. “You didn’t fail!” He gave me a huge hug…I used to go around telling him he was going to fail, it’s a long story. I really love that kid, it’ll be awful not having him around. He had better visit.
Becca was next. She gave me a hug and said that she really wished we’d gotten to know each other better, that we’d been in a closer grade. I wholeheartedly agreed. She’s such a sweet person…but she’ll come back for the plays, so I’ll see her then, and I must get her email!

Last but not least were John, Andy, and David. Andy hugged me, and dear polite David tried to shake my right hand, which was full of cameras and water bottles, offered his left hand, then found that full, so I switched all to my left and we got to shake. :P It was great. And then John. Ohh man, I am going to miss him so much! I gave him the little folder of pictures that mom had made…of Than, Matt, me, and John when we were very young. Doing the plays we wrote so long ago…and a few recent pictures. He said he wished he’d had them when he was putting together his slideshow. I asked if I could hug him, and he said, “of course!” He agreed that we absolutely MUST keep in touch, and said he would come back for all the plays and be in the alumni ones.
Mom and I went to talk to Mrs. and Mr. Scribner…she says she has some really cute pictures of me and Matt for when he and I graduate. Matt mostly sat there and looked a little embarassed, heehee, he’s a really great guy.
Then John appeared, and we all looked at the pictures. He thought it was so great that we had pics of us performing our plays at ages five and eight and then in the G&Ss.

Well, there’s my tearful spiel for the day. Later I have to perform a skit after the parade, it’s our town day, and since our drama group is incredibly poor, we have to solicit as much money as possible. Uncle Pete from Atlanta is here, with sons Joah (3) and Ransom True (7 mo.). I love the name Ransom, they stole it from me. Heehee.

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Today was one of the most depressing days I’ve ever experienced. I’m not going to go into detail, I’ll just say it was really rough.

I don’t really have anything to look forward to this week, so I’m dreading it. School is pretty pointless, I can’t learn anything when I’m in a class with people who don’t want to. I didn’t mind learning before I came to GPCS…

I went to Anna and Regina’s house on Saturday, and then we went with their older sister Mary to see Godspell. It featured my friends Haydn as Jesus, Marcus as Judas, and the SHAMS (Marcus, Sam, Haydn, Andrew, and Sky’s band) proved the music. It was very good…some of the singers weren’t amazing, but most of them did well. Haydn was a wonderful Jesus. He has longish light brown hair, and really looked the part. But the painfully ironic bit is that he and the other three have grown up thinking Christianity is ridiculous. Please, anyone who prays, pray for Haydn, Marcus, Sam, and Andrew. They’re really wonderful people, talented, polite, and friendly…I think something might be starting though. Since Haydn played Jesus, he has just about the whole book of Mark memorized! That’s got to mean something.

I’m going to bed at 8 tonight.

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Alone, and yet alive…

Alone, and yet alive!
Oh, sepulchre! My soul is still my body’s prisoner!
Remote the peace that Death alone can give-
My doom to wait! my punishment, to live!

Hearts do not break! They sting and ache For old love’s sake, But do not die,
Tho’ with each breath
They long for death,
As witnesseth The living I, The living I…

Oh living I!
Come tell me why, When hope is gone,
Dost thou stay on?
Why linger here, Where all is drear?
Oh, living I!
Come, tell me why, When hope is gone,
Dost though stay on?
May not a cheated maiden die?
May not a cheated maiden die?

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Strengths and Sorrows

Dear strangers from distant lands, friends of old,

I just got your letter within the last week. At first I had decided merely to drop out of site forever, but upon reading of your concern I finally realized what a foolish thing my uncaring plan was. Why did I drop out and plan to stay away, you ask? It is a question of self-control. You see, I could very well be labeled as an “internet junkie�. As hard as I try to cut back on online time significantly, nothing works, and one evening I at last made up my mind to just stop. Completely. After that moment of decision I only went online to check my email – rarely more than once a week. It seems to be working this time… this forum is like a bad habit: many times before I have attempted to take away my “addiction� to it, but yet I always seem to return. As much as I hate to say it, I pray that that is not the case.
Yes, I love(d) it here. I love you all as a family… yet some things cannot be so. I am not returning, only merely making a visit so you won’t think I’ve exploded physically.

While I’m here, I might as well make a few quick notes to the people I think I was closest to…

As much as I wish to write more to all of the others, I am running out of time online. God bless you all, and may A-U.com continue to grow and spread itself out in spite of all the various troubles that arise. Rest assured that I am not dead, but I am not coming back.

I love you all.

-Tulcake

P.S. No letters, please. Only emails… and don’t expect them to be answered often at all.

I can’t stop crying…

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I came on here to post, and now that I’m here, I don’t have it in me to carry through. I’m depressed. I’m going to bed.

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I’ve started keeping a regular diary recently. It’s lasted longer than any of my other attempts…a little over two weeks. It’s somehow relaxing to write about my day, complaints, thoughts…
I’ve completely run out of interesting things to say on here. Maybe if I just talk about my day…?
Dori IMed me a few hours ago and invited me down for a picnic. I went…turned out really fun. We just had hotdogs and potato salad and fruit on a blanket in the living room…with a little fake fire going and the lights off…and I don’t care if it sounds stupid and young. If I can’t act silly as I get older, I’ll just go drown myself now. Then we made s’mores and burned ourselves…at one point, while we were making them, the cd Dori was playing gave a screech..she screamed, which made me scream, which made us both convulse in laughter. It resulted with Dori lying on the floor giggling, and me trying in vain to get her up. ‘Twas fun.

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Nienor…

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